I feel so conflicted tonight, there are so many things running through my mind as I sit here on the floor in my living room. I want to be more then I am, I want to be able to help so many more people then I can, I dont want to be ‘stuck’ here taking classes while people I know are struggling through so much. And then theres all the people that I dont know of, and all the pains and troubles that they encounter in their life. And I feel useless here. Helpless to make an impact in the ever shortening lives of so many people. When I get this way I begin to wonder, not about why I am here or what I am supposed to be doing, I feel really confident that I am exactly where God wants me, but rather I begin to wonder how I can reach out to these people? how can I serve them? how can I show I care about them? how can I spend my life for the greatest impact in a world so full of the hatred of the truth?
A friend of mine is in a coma in New York, her family is being forced to return to ‘normalacy’ since shes been hospitalized for over a weekÂ now. Following along with what updates are available, she is fairly stable, but from here in CA, any sort of practical help I could offer them is eliminated.
Another friend of mine is overwhelmed with homework and has been sleeping less then I do. (For the uninformed . . . this is a bad thing.) The best I can do is to provide an hours distraction and coffee.
Someone else is stuck in the middle of a rough situation, caught feeling like there is no one to trust, and those people trusting her getting hurt when things fell apart. All I can do for her is push her towards the scriptures and the promises therein.
Through it all I cant see how I can help. How anything I say is comforting or reassuring boggles my mind. I know the way I think and how I see things, and so much of the time I feel like I am at an inferior level. I can kinda understand what is going on with all those situations, but honestly not very well. Im just me, and I dont wrestle with big ideas all that well. But over and over and over again I find that, despite my ignorance, I am encountering these sorts of things all the time. It scares me sometimes, and I’ll admit that there have been times Ive been to scared to do anything.
What has been reminded to me though, is that I can do something. And what I have to offer is significantly better then anything I could ‘do’ for them. Doesnt matter the situation, here at school, a hospital in NY, or something somewhere else. I can do something!
I can pray!